On the (Im)possibility of Electrically Charged Planck Relics

I revisit whether black-hole remnants, from sub-Planckian compact objects to Planck relics and up to (super)massive black holes, can preserve Standard-Model (SM) electric charge. Two exterior-field mechanisms -- Coulomb-focused capture from ambient media and QED Schwinger pair production -- robustly neutralize such objects across cosmic history. I first derive the general capture rate including both Coulomb and gravitational focusing, and sum the stepwise discharge time in closed form via the trigamma function, exhibiting transparent Coulomb- and gravity-dominated limits. I then integrate the Schwinger rate over the near-horizon region to obtain an explicit $\dot Q(Q)$ law: discharge proceeds until the horizon field falls below $E_{\rm crit}$, leaving a residual charge $Q_{\rm stop}^{(e)}\!\propto\! r_h^2$ that is $\ll e$ for Planck radii. Mapping the mass dependence from sub-Planckian to astrophysical scales, I also analyze dark-sector charges with heavy carriers (including kinetic mixing and massive mediators). In a conservative ``no-Schwinger'' limit where vacuum pair creation is absent, cumulative ambient exposures alone force discharge of any integer SM charge. Three possible loopholes remain. (i) A fine-tuned SM corner in which the relic sits arbitrarily close to Reissner-Nordstr\"om extremality so greybody factors suppress charged absorption, while Schwinger pair creation is absent due to Planck-scale physics. (ii) Charge relocated to a hidden $U(1)_D$ with no light opposite carriers, e.g. if the lightest state is very heavy and/or kinetic mixing with $U(1)_{\rm EM}$ is vanishingly small. (iii) Discrete or topological charges rather than ordinary SM electric charge. Outside these cases, the conclusion is robust: within SM electromagnetism, charged black-hole relics neutralize efficiently and cannot retain charge over cosmological times.