Amplitudes for Astrophysicists: Known Knowns

The use of quantum field theory to understand astrophysical phenomena is not new. However, for the most part, the methods used are those that have been developed decades ago. The intervening years have seen some remarkable developments in computational quantum field theoretic tools. In particle physics, this technology has facilitated calculations that, even ten years ago would have seemed laughably difficult. It is remarkable, then, that most of these new techniques have remained firmly within the domain of high energy physics. We would like to change this. As alluded to in the title, this is the first in a series of papers aimed at showcasing the use of modern on-shell methods in the context of astrophysics and cosmology. In this first article, we use the old problem of the bending of light by a compact object as an anchor to pedagogically develop these new computational tools. Once developed, we then illustrate their power and utility with an application to the scattering of gravitational waves.